LOOT

Scooby Doo and the Tardis

Halloween Loot

Halloween 2014 was a huge success. His very first trick or treating experience ever Justace had a blast and it only took about 5 houses before he got the hang of things. Everyone thought he was adorable as he said trick or treat and thank you for the candy. Everything thrilled him. He loved the jack o lanterns. Before we left as all the kids came to our house to trick or treat he said hello and come in to each one and as they left he said Happy Halloween and bye bye. He handed them all candy. And of course when we arrived home it was time to open candy and eat it. I think holidays with a little one are the best ever. I love seeing all his joy and excitement. Hope you all had a very Happy Halloween!

Raven

What a Mess

Mountains of dirty clothing. A sink full of dirty dishes. Blocks, trucks and other miscellaneous toys spread around the floor, waiting for a bare foot to step on them. A little boy yelling and screaming and laughing over the sound of a TV playing Bambi over and over and over again. One hour per day spent cleaning and picking up along with at least half the day on weekends just devoted to more in depth actual house cleaning and yet it seems no matter how much time and effort I put into cleaning and picking up the work never ends. More dishes and laundry continue to pile up as I get the original piles cleaned and put away. Toys put in toy boxes or on shelves end up back all over the house again the next morning. Young boys with too much energy don't know what quiet means or the purpose of such a horrible thing. 

My life, at the present time, is a mess. I can't seem to balance work with friends and family and church and personal time like hobbies and trying to work out. And yet, much like the song, it's a beautiful mess. It's one I'm grateful for. The dirty dishes are proof of many good meals eaten together. Dirty laundry from a little boys' many adventures outdoors and a working mom coming home to cuddle her dog and cats and dirty little boy. Toys from a little boy's non stop imagination and playtime. I'm sure in the future life will slow down and turn neater and easier but in the meantime I'm going to hold on to each and every moment of this messy dirty life, knowing when I grow old I will have these memories to hold as treasures.

Wonderful Wildlife

Mesa Falls

My son is a monkey!

Cave Falls

Tetons

I got to feed a baby bear. He was so cute!!!

Bears at Bear World.

Wolf hanging out at Bear World.

I love fishing! This was my first fish caught ever and he was delicious for breakfast the next morning.

Biggest fish for me.

One of our future egg givers chit chatting with Justace.

Self Discipline

I have a list of things I must start doing on a consistent daily basis.

1. workout - I want to get in shape, have more energy, lose my belly and look good in all outfits I want to wear again. But one week of doing this does nothing at all. I must do it every single day.

2. Training - I need to work on training my dog...every day...for him to become a well behaved dog.

3. Clean - I must clean my house every day in order for it to remain clean.

4. Quiet time - I must keep in touch with God.

5. Writing - If I am ever to become a good writer I must practice by doing it every day.

Saved by the....naptime???

So I walk into our bathroom to get my son, who, after having eaten 2 cookies at church today has spent the past 30 minutes running around the house giggling trying to escape the mommy with her naptime blankie. Having just seen him running by me with our nail clippers in hand and giggling I race after him to our bathroom. I hear a little voice go "uh oh." No more giggling. I look from him to our bathroom sink, full of dirty water due to plumbing issues, where I know he just dropped those clippers down the drain. He looks at me. He grabs his blankie from my hands and runs to his crib saying "night night." So, not wanting to argue, I place him in bed, the place he's been running from and he immediately just rolls over, puts his blankie around him and says night night. No more sounds. Dead silence even though I clearly see his eyes wide open still. Laughing to myself, I head out to the living room to do some reading. Well, we may have to get new clippers but at least naptime was quick and easy today. And Mr. I know I'm in trouble now gets to use it to his advantage to avoid getting in trouble as well. Clever boy. ;-)

A View of What I'm Reading

I think I am going to officially make Sunday evenings after Justace goes to bed reading nights. Not that I can't read any other time of course but I get so busy between cleaning and chores or just watching TV shows and stuff I don't get to just enjoy books as much as I'd like. Right now I'm reading this book, about a girl who gets to relive her life during WWII and the London Bombings over and over. Each time she dies she gets to do it all over again, but this time with a gut feeling about things since she's already lived it once so the next time she can make sure to avoid those same mistakes. It gets me thinking what would I do differently or how might my and others' lives be different if I could go back and fix mistakes or prevent bad things from happening?

Ring of Fire

Despite the fact that I was born in Alaska and lived in several places including Guam, Idaho, Georgia, Washington and California, I consider myself a proud Texas girl. I feel as if I grew up there, having lived there from kindergarten through 5th grade and then again from 10th grade until I moved to Idaho in my late 20s. I'm not sure if it's my Texas roots, or my father's influence, but I absolutely love spicy food! Growing up, my father also loved hot foods and I may have just gotten used to this, loving his cooking. My mother did most of the cooking in our house but my father was a truly great cook the few times he did cook, mostly on holidays and sometimes weekends. Spicy foods have never bothered my stomach at all.

Being slightly lactose intolerant I know what it feels like to love to eat something (cheese/ice cream) and then suffer the stomach pain and toilet sitting that follow an indulgence. This is why I am ever so glad spicy foods do not give me this issue like they do so many other people.

Now, I'm not saying I'm one of the crazy ones who will eat the hottest chicken wings. I like spice and flavor but if it's so hot my eyes water and my nose runs and my mouth and throat and stomach burns like its on fire this is just torture. Why would one do this to oneself? I love to taste my food and enjoy it, not be in pain because of it.

For example, Josh one time, as a joke, put a ton of wasabi on sushi for me to try. I had no idea what wasabi was at the time and didn't expect the burning that followed the huge bite I swallowed. I've never liked wasabi since then.

My mother in law is Puerto Rican and has been teaching me to cook. She loves cooking with chillis and I'm a huge fan. Her cooking is delicious and despite being the palest gringo in Texas I hope one day to cook Hispanic food that well. It's one of my favorite types of food.

Uplifting

I will miss the beautiful cherry tree in our front yard but am very excited about the plum and apple trees in the backyard of our new house.

Can't Get it Out of My Head

Two teen girls, who hadn't hung out since childhood, bored and trying to find something to do together. My old childhood gal pal introduced me to a computer game neither of us knew at the time would follow me into adulthood as an obsession. The game: Sims! At this time we played the first series. She helped me make a person and decorate my house. Now, years later, Sims 4 will come out soon and I still play Sims 3 when I can find time between keeping house, cooking, watching a toddler and keeping our church going and clean. I think, for me, playing this game gives me the chance to live lives I can not afford to live in my own real life. I love creating myself and Josh as super hot and in shape, which I wish I really was. I give us different jobs and life goals so I can do anything I want to do. I have kids and raise them how I want to. I think it's the feeling of having that control, of getting to play God for a little bit, even if just in a game. My own life seems to be so out of my own control at least in this fantasy dollhouse type game I can live any life I want and do what I want.

Fight the Power

I'm the most non confrontational person in the world. I will do anything, go out of my way, to avoid any type of confrontation. However, there have been a few times in my life when the injustice of something overwhelmed me to the point where I took action against it. I recently read an article online about several Air Force MTI's who have been in trouble due to being too aggressive and abusive with trainees. I have my own experience, though admittedly a minor one, with this when I went through basic training. My own MTI was harsh but fair, only harsh enough to push us to our limits and make us stronger without crossing the line into abuse. However, as an older flight, one week, several of us volunteered to go and help out a brand new baby flight of trainees. It was these girls' first week at training, and almost our last before becoming airmen. While helping the girls and giving them some advice on things we'd learned for surviving basic we discovered pee in the bathroom sinks and wet urinated in clothing. Thoroughly disgusted by these finds we confronted the girls. Their MTI was absent at this time. Now, let it be known, peeing was a very annoying issue at basic training. We were made to drink large amounts of water and couldn't just go the bathroom at any given moment. We were given breaks to do so and if it was a major major emergency were allowed, with some making fun of in front of the flight, to go use the toilet. However, it turned out, the MTI for this baby flight had made the girls stand at attention until they had all peed themselves in front of her. Then she had yelled at them all and told them to use the bathroom. At other points the girls were forced to hold it so long when they were finally given a break they used the sinks because there weren't enough toilets and they couldn't hold it any longer. Being the oldest in my flight, most of the trainees were 18. I was 27. I was horrified at this story. I was also terrified to go to the higher ups with this information. I just wanted to be invisible and make it through, not take any kind of stand or stand out in any way so as to make myself a target. However, I knew this wasn't right. I talked to the girls in my flight and we decided, as a group, to take it to the chaplain that Sunday at church service. We did so and found out the following week that MTI was taken out and the baby flight was given a new trainer. The chaplain also talked to everyone at church and said to make sure to report any abuse happening to the higher ups. I was glad taking a stand and doing something actually resulted in something good happening for once.

Express Yourself

Why is it I find it so incredibly difficult to write? It's in my soul. It's what I was born to do I know and yet it's almost like torture each word or sentence my fingers type. Is it because I know I can not lie. My best writings come from truth. Truth I have experienced or felt. My best writing exposes me to the word like a naked woman trying to cover herself and hide all her flaws, so afraid of the judgment of others, not wanting anyone to see her nakedness or her ugly scars. And yet, if this is what I was born to do, if it's in me beating on my heart to get out, it's also torture to keep all these words inward to myself, to not use the gift I've been given. And so, like that naked and scarred woman, I must stop hiding and be free. I must let the word see all of me...the beautiful as well as the ugly. Keeping it inside will just make it fester and rot and slowly kill any gift I may have left to offer the world.

Linger

As a child I enjoyed so many days or moments I didn't want to end. Splashing and having fun in the community pool or at an amusement park...I didn't want to go home. I didn't want summer days to ever end. I wonder how we lose that childhood wonder and joy. Nowdays, the only thing I can think of that I don't want to end is sleep. I just want to sleep in forever. But I don't find myself fully enjoying any moment in life anymore like I did as a little girl. No matter how fun I always want things to end, I always am thinking of things I have to do or places I need to go. I'm always planning and wishing but never stop to fully enjoy the good times. Perhaps I need to get back to that state of childhood joy. Justace, for example, never wants good to end. If he's doing something he is loving, like coloring or playing with playdough or playing outside, and I say its time to move on to something else oh the screaming and tears that he has for the end of his fun time is amazing. May we never want the good moments in life to ever end.

Twilight Zone

Ring. Straight to voicemail. Again. For the 3rd day in a row now. Josh, who always answered his phone, even when I think he shouldn't have, never had his phone on now. The parentals gave me lots of strange reasons for why I couldn't talk to him. I felt in my heart something wasn't right but I had no proof this wasn't just me being paranoid so I kept on trying hard not to think about what my husband might be up to. A million possibilities kept running through my head though I tried to block them out. Did Dad and he get into a fight and did he get kicked out? Was he in jail somewhere for something? But then, one night, I finally received a call from a hospital in Austin, Texas. No message. Just that someone had called me. It felt as though my heart stopped. I called them back. Josh picked up. He proceeded to tell me he was in an accident and in the hospital. He'd had to have surgery. He would be Ok but the injuries were pretty severe. My strong husband, who I'd only ever heard cry one time in the 10 years I'd known him, his voice began to break as he told me how he'd fallen asleep at the wheel and woken up to broken glass and searing pain and blood. Part of me felt this huge rush of relief that he was alive and was going to be OK. Part of me just felt shocked. I sank to the ground and tried to stay calm knowing how he hates when I lose control of my emotions. It took a while but I got permission to leave military tech school to go see him for 2 weeks. Walking in and seeing him in a hospital gown so helpless and banged up made me want to throw up. I wanted to run to him and give him a huge hug and a kiss and just hold him but I was afraid to touch him.

Front of my car after the wreck.

Back of my car after the wreck.

The other time my heart froze and time stood still for me was one evening in our bathroom here in Idaho. I'd been suffering bouts of nautia and a late period and sore breasts for a while. Josh kept joking about ha ha what if you're pregnant, which was something I assumed couldn't or at least was highly unlikely for us at that time. But to get him to lay off I had taken a test and it had come back negative so all my fears were assuaged. However, after a few more weeks of no period, I decided to take one more pregnancy test. Josh ran into the bathroom and took the test before it had time to fully work. He held it and wouldn't let me have it. He told me later his intention was to mess with me and say it was positive to see my reaction even though we both thought it would be negative. But I knew right away when I saw the look come across his eyes...a look for shock and uncertainty. He looked up at me. "It's positive." Again, for the second time in my life, my heart froze. I didn't know what to think. I took the test and sure enough...positive. I went to the living room to sit down.

Let's Dance

I've always hated dancing. I have two left feet and no rhythm. I hate dance clubs. They are too loud and too crowded with too much smoke and strobe lights. They say life is like a dance. I agree. Feels like the world keeps spinning and I'm getting dizzy.

In elementary school and even a bit in middle school I remember forced dances in the school gym where all the boys and girls tried to stay on opposite sides of the gym from each other. I always avoided all school dances including my senior prom. The only school dance I remember attending was one homecoming dance in high school. My mother practically forced me to go. I went with my best friend and her crush (who much later in life turned out to be gay). When there I met up with this quiet handsome mysterious guy in our creative class, whose parents also forced him to go and who also does not dance. However, in order to get my friend and her date to try it we dared them to dance together if we would both dance together. So my first awkward dance with a boy ended up being with the one I would marry one day, even though at the time we only did it as a joke.




Samantha, myself, and her date, Ross at homecoming the one year I went.




Dad and I dancing at RenFest in Houston. He's probably kill me if he knew I posted this.

In college I thought it might be fun to take a ballroom dancing class. I had a friend who was loads of fun who talked me into it. He had a ball. (Pun intended). Meanwhile, I spent the whole semester stepping on toes and getting out of step with the dance. I spent so many extra hours with the teacher trying to learn and not getting it. I think he ended up giving me a C in that class out of pity more than anything else.

The only time I remember dancing and having any fun at all was one summer just before I discovered my pregnancy. Josh, Tristan, Robert and I built a bonfire in the pasture out back. We had bbq for dinner and lots and lots of beer while listening to country music. I got kind of drunk and danced the night away. I remember the flames licking the stars in the night sky and just feeling so free and having so much fun. Not long after that our lives changed when a pregnancy test came back positive.

And today, my little man and I dance every single day. When music comes on he moves his little body and his little head. He's still small enough I can pick him up and spin him around. Dancing with a toddler is pure joy. There's no judgment about how you look or if you misstep...just pure innocent fun and joy.

Winter Play

Tiny soft hands covered in red mittens. These miniscule mittens keep those precious hands warm, protect from the icy cold that otherwise would turn them purple and frigid. Sometimes covered in ice and snow from when Justace picks up these things to play with, they are often kept near the fire to dry and warm up before his next great outdoor adventure.

A little man full of mischief and laughter and so many big emotions my son can not handle playing inside or playing quietly or doing arts and crafts. My son must run and jump and twirl in circles and climb. He must explore and discover. Wintertime proves torture for both he and I but we always find a small amount of time, even if it's just 15 minutes on the coldest days, to go outside to play. And his winter wear...his mittens, hat, coat and snowsuit...they all prove good friends to both of us during the long cold winters. Good friends until thrown in the closet, forgotten, once the flowers begin blooming again and the trees sprout their new leaves. Then, there they will sit, covered in dust, until the next little one claims them as his or her helpers during the freezing winter.

Treasure

These are some of my treasures. This is my teddy bear from when I was little. He's all torn up and old but still a treasure.

Petals from the very first roses Josh ever bought me.

Kept in the box of a box of chocolates he got me our first Valentines as a couple.

Valentines Day

I would like to wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day. I don't care that everyone says it's a holiday for stores to steal our money. This is one girl who loves chocolate and roses and anything stuffed and cuddly. Secret - half the stuffed animals in Justace's pile were mine first.

However, I'm not a fan of turning the holiday into some big to do for couples. I remember year after year growing up of secretly hoping I had some secret admirer and being disappointed year after year while watching all the beautiful girls in class get cards and chocolates and flowers. And, growing into adulthood, this didn't change much in the work place either. I grew to resent the holiday.

And then...Josh Jackson happened. Josh, despite his outward personality, is inside a huge romantic, probably more so than I am even. Our first Valentines Day I received a bouquet of roses at my desk at work as well as a giant singing card. I was super embarrassed by all the gifts but also so happy...my first roses ever! I got home to giant stuffed animals in random places...one stuffed in the washer I discovered and more all over the apartment. Another Valentines he made us a beautiful 2 person dinner complete with chocolate martinis. Another he bought me a dress and jewelry and took me out to a beautiful fancy restaurant. He's pretty much the best at surprise and romance.

This year we both agreed not to do anything in order to save money. I made cookies and home made cards for a few friends but that is all. And honestly, I think way too much pressure is put on this one day of the year to make it the perfect romantic day and there is too much room for disappointment in it. I think, instead, we should devote every single day of the year to showing our love not only to our significant other but to all the loved ones in our lives. And so I promise I will do one thing, even if it's something very small like just texting him I love you to show my love every day of the year.