4th of July

 Three generations of Young women at the 4th of July parade.

 I don't know this little girl but I thought she was so adorable I couldn't resist snapping a photo of her.

 Shay and her daughter Mackaya... I have plans for little Mckaya and Justace when they get older. Just kidding.

 Josh with Shay and her mom and daughter.

 Tristan, Shay's brother and Josh's best friend, walked in the parade as a mountain man. He stopped to say hi on his way by.

 Mike, another friend and mountain man, walks in the parade.

 Mackaya likes riding on mommy's neck.

 We had burgers and potato salad and this cake that looks like a burger and corn on the cob. They were all super delicious.

 Justace all wrapped up while sitting outside to watch the fireworks.

 Sunset in the backyard.

 We shot off our own fireworks in the street. Here are just some shots of that.

Bella in the box for Justace's swing.

5 Weeks

Justace is 5 weeks old today. I've done something to my hip and can't walk so have spent the whole day in bed next to him only getting up every few hours to limp to the kitchen to make him a bottle. He's still sick though Josh thinks he's getting better. I've given up on the humidifier. It's too hot to use it since we can't have fans on and must keep the windows closed for it to be effective which just makes him and everyone else miserable since it can get up to almost 90 inside this house with the windows closed. It's cooler outside than it is inside so I try to take him outside to cool off in the afternoon and evening time. Justace smiles sometimes but never for very long. He can hold his head up and even turn it for much longer though now.

I have my 6 week checkup tomorrow. I'm going to ask about getting back on birth control and hopefully get the go ahead to start working out again as soon as my hip gets better. I really can't believe it's been a whole month since we came home from the hospital. I'm so much better. I remember the day after the C-section trying to get up and out of bed and the pain and exertion it took just to walk to the bathroom causing me to throw up. I had to wake up every 4 hours to take more pain meds or I'd wake up in excruciating pain for the first few days. Now there is no more pain. Other than today's hip problem I can walk without a problem and do chores and move heavy things. I can't believe the difference a month has made.

I'm really worried about this cold Justace has. The poor little guy seems miserable. I tried using a humidifier in the room to help him breath but it's just too hot for that. We use saline solution and the syringe to clean out his nose twice a day and at least once a day I turn the bathroom into a spa by turning on the hot water and letting the bathroom get all moist and sitting in there with him for about 15 minutes. I want to take him to a doctor to have him tell me he's going to be ok but with every visit costing $100 we can't afford to take him in for every cold he gets. The doctor said as long as he's eating well and he doesn't have a fever it should go away in a week or two. It's been 1 week so far so if it's not gone in 1 more week I will probably give in and take him in anyways.

The 4th of July was fun. We went to the parade downtown in the morning. Justace slept through the whole thing in his carrier while I took photos. We watched the baseball game and some movies while Josh cooked dinner...hamburgers and potato salad and cake he bought. Then, we lit some store bought fireworks once the sun went down. All in all it was a fun day/night.

I had a job interview at a call center in Rexburg this week for a proofreading job. I felt the interview went well and thought I was qualified and perfect for the job but I got an e-mail back today letting me know I didn't get it. It's so incredibly frustrating to get nothing but rejection and rejection for every job I apply for. I feel like giving up. I feel like nobody will ever hire me again. I know I have to keep looking but it's so depressing to keep trying and keep failing. I couldn't even get hired at the local grocery store. They chose to hire a bunch of teenagers for the summer instead. The other problem is nobody hires full time anymore. Everyone would rather hire 2 part time employees because then they don't have to give any benefits. I need a full time job with benefits but those just don't seem to exist anymore.

Photos

 Justace does not like tummy time but I make him do it a few minutes each day at least to build some muscle strength.

 He has so many cute outfits but it's been so hot I've mostly just kept him in his diaper all the time.

 Daddy catches Justace in a baseball glove.

 Another sunrise in East Idaho.

 Justace on mommy's guitar.

 Justace turned 1 month old this week.

 Pip plays with a teddy bear we brought home from the hospital.

 Mommy feeding Justace...this is pretty much my whole day. Feed, change, hold and do it again a couple hours later.

Dad cooks dinner on the grill he got for Father's Day.

4 Weeks

Justace is 4 weeks old today. Not much has changed in the past week except right now he has a cold and it's killing me listening to him breathe funny. He's sneezing and has so much mucous in his nose and his lungs. I want more than anything to take him to a doctor to make sure he's going to be OK and maybe get some medicine or something to help make him feel better but with no insurance we can't afford to take him in for every little cold he gets...only for the big more serious stuff. I called and the doctor said as long as he doesn't have a fever and isn't have trouble breathing and is still eating ok he should be fine in a week. And since he's so young still he isn't old enough for baby medicine of any kind yet. So all I can do is keep feeding him and try to help him sleep as much as possible. Christine suggested I take hot showers with him so the steam can clear out his nose. I did that yesterday and he seemed to calm down a little for a short period of time. Josh looked it up and apparently babies will get between 6 and 10 colds a year because their immune systems aren't fully developed yet so they catch pretty much everything that goes around. Plus it's really dry right now here in Idaho and the dryness can also cause colds in babies too. I just feel so terrible for him right now and wish more than anything I could do something to make him feel better. I hate feeling so helpless.

I have started to figure out a very loose schedule for him. It's not exact but I feed and change him every 2 or 3 hours during the day and at night he usually only wakes me twice...once around 2 or 3am and once around 5 or 6am. Knowing kind of when he is going to be hungry again helps because I can start heating his bottle up and also try to schedule chores and things around those times as well. I still watch a lot of Mad Men while I feed him or hang out with Josh on the couch. Before I was keeping him in our bedroom all day and night to sleep but now that he's started staying awake more I move him into the living room area during the day so he can watch what's going on while he's awake.

He started smiling too! He doesn't laugh yet and his smiles don't usually last long but it's so good to see them and not just hear him crying. If I can manage to capture one in a photo I will but so far by the time I get the camera ready he's not smiling any longer. He also is getting much better at holding his head up by himself. It's still a little bit shaky but he can usually lift it up to look around for about 30 seconds or so before he has to put it back down again. I try to give him some tummy time every day to help make him stronger but he really hates being on his tummy so I usually only leave him like that for a few minutes before I pick him up again.

Because he's still so young and hasn't had his shots yet we haven't taken him out of the house and have limited visitors as much as possible. He has another month before he gets his first round of shots. We did take him to the hospital once and to our friend Christine's house so she could watch him. I'm still kind of nervous taking him out anyway because if he starts to cry and I can't get him to calm down it's kind of embarrassing. I'm one of "those" parents now. Before when we were out and someone had a screaming child I used to always think oh man that sucks. I'm so glad that's not me. And now it is... He does have another hospital visit today for another test and on the 4th of july I plan on taking him to see the parade in the morning but we'll spend the rest of the day at the house since Josh says we can see the fireworks great from our back yard.

In another month though, once he's had his first round of shots, I plan on starting to take him out more so he can see things. Mom bought me a baby carrier which I've started to learn how to use around the house and I plan on probably taking that with me when I take him out and about. We have a really nice stroller a friend got us and I use it for our walks each day but right now he's still so young he really likes being held close to mommy so the baby carrier will probably be best at first. I'm glad everyone got us to many useful and nice gifts. We would have never been able to afford all the clothes he has and such a good stroller and baby carrier and bassinet. It's just a lot of things he has that we couldn't have gotten for him without the help of our family and friends. I'm so glad he's loved and cherished by so many people even if not all of them are here to see him every day.

While I have lost the majority of my pregnancy weight I still have a bit of a tummy pooch going on that I can't seem to get rid of. I think right now I've lost all the weight I can lose without doing an actual exercise routine again. But I should be able to start one up in a couple of weeks and hopefully I can lose this tummy and get back in good shape again. I went through all of my clothes this week and got rid of everything that no longer fits me except for some items that are just a tiny bit too tight since I'm hoping to lose a little bit of weight soon.

Josh has been such a big help with the baby. And even friends here...Christine and Ally... have all helped so much so I don't get too stressed out and lose it. I've gotten used to the weird sleep schedules and am starting to get on a semi routine. Baby's bedtime is at 10pm each night and I go to sleep not long after that. He wakes me twice at night but we don't stay up. I just feed him his bottle and we both go right back to sleep again until 6 or 7 in the morning when I get up for the day. I try to take a 3 hour nap between 1 and 4 in the afternoon if I can but that doesn't always happen. The eating 3 meals a day is hard for a few reasons. First, I don't seem to have much of an appetite any more. I'm not sure if that's because I'm no longer pregnant and eating for 2 or exhaustion or what. Also, depending on if he's fussy or not sometimes I just don't have the time to make and eat a full meal. Josh always makes sure I eat a good dinner with him at night and he takes over baby holding duty so I can eat. And I usually eat either breakfast or lunch during the day but sometimes don't get both. I figure it might take some more time to get back on a really regular daily schedule again. Plus he's still a newborn so hopefully in a couple months he won't be quite as needy constantly.

Another thing is everyone seems to be an expert on babies except for me...his own mother. My family and friends and even acquaintances all have so much advice to give on me on every single thing about raising a baby. One the one hand, I am very grateful for all the advice. I constantly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and am just shocked that I haven't managed to kill him yet. But, on the other hand, some advice I get, I just can't seem to do. Like...letting him cry it out when he's crying and has been fed and changed. I know everyone says to let him be but it kills me. I'd rather hold him close and soothe him to sleep all day then ignore him when he's crying. I guess I'll take the advice I can and if it doesn't work for him or for me I'll go with my instincts...hopefully being his mother has some advantages to knowing what he needs or wants.

I've begun looking for work again but so far this week all I've been able to find is a bank teller position in St. Anthony...about 10 minutes from Ashton. I doubt I will get hired since I have no experience and am not great at math but they did say they are willing to train so maybe I will get lucky. Josh has officially begun classes this week. Hopefully in a couple months he will finally have his degree! Not sure how useful that will be to him but at least he'll have finished it finally. Better than not having one at all. We are getting slightly less money with his GI bill than he was making working but it evens out since we are also paying about $200 less in gas money since he doesn't have to drive back and forth from Rexburg every day.

I really wanted to go for walks daily but I have temporarily given up on our walks. My allergies are terrible right now and going outside even for a minute causes sneezing fits and itchy eyes that last for days and make me miserable. Plus Justace is sick and I don't want to take him outside until he gets better again either.

I haven't had much time for me or projects I'd like to work on like my baby scrapbook or playing the guitar. Most of my days are filled with taking care of Justace or finding time to eat or sleep or spend some time with Josh. But I'm sure I'll have more time for me in a couple months when things settle down. I have been trying to take as many photos as I possibly can. And when I have the time I try to cook new things for breakfast for Josh and I. I made a german pancake the other day which was delicious...it's basically a baked pancake and you put sugar and strawberries and whipped cream in the middle.

Pooh Swing

Grandma bought Justace this Winnie the Pooh swing. So far he's screamed every time I put him in it but yesterday I put him in it while he was sleeping and he stayed asleep while it rocked him for a whole hour. He even woke up when Daddy came home from the store and looked around a little without crying so hopefully he's getting used to it. I'd love to be able to sit him in there while I do chores or make breakfast or whatever. The swing rocks and plays music for him.

3 Weeks Old

Justace was 3 weeks old as of yesterday. The best thing about having a baby...I'm his whole world. I doubt I've ever been needed or loved this much by anyone before. I hate when he's crying and I can't figure out why but when he cries and all he wants is for me to hold him close that is the most amazing feeling in the world. He's only 3 weeks but already he knows who I am. The worst thing about having a baby... when he cries for a long period of time and won't stop and nothing I do calms him down. It makes me feel like a failure as a mom when I can't soothe my own baby and don't know what's wrong. Or when I grow frustrated with his crying and have to put him down for a while and walk away because I can feel the stress building inside. He's brought me to tears several times this way. He's started sleeping a little bit less and spending a little bit more time awake just looking at things. He likes his walks outside for about 15 minutes but then he usually starts getting fussy that last 15 minutes. I've tried putting him on his tummy for tummy time but he hates it. He starts crying. But I think it's mostly out of frustration. He can lift his head a little bit but when I put him on his tummy he tries so hard to roll over and he just can't make it and he gets so frustrated his little face gets all red and he starts bawling. His umbilical cord fell off this past week and his belly button is looking well. I have officially given up on breastfeeding. I tried for 3 weeks but still have no milk coming in and constantly pumping all day long with no results is frustrating...especially when I could be using that time to nap or do chores or do a million other things that are more useful.

Honestly, I haven't been that good about my daily walks this past week. I think I went 3 or 4 times total. The problem mainly is that I'm so tired some days when he's been up crying all day and all night that I would rather spend any time I have napping than going out for a walk. In addition I don't feel comfortable taking him outside on days that aren't nice and we've had some pretty cold and windy days this week that I just decided to stay inside with him. But I do pace the living room with him a lot and read to him when he won't fall asleep and is being fussy. Three weeks till I can actually begin a workout routine and try to get back in shape again.

Josh is amazing as always. He took me out yesterday to Idaho Falls. We got Christine to babysit for the day and we went to see 2 movies...Snow White and The Avengers. I liked both movies but my favorite of the 2 was The Avengers. I'm a huge superhero movie fan, especially Iron Man. Snow White was good...definitely very dark and very much for adults, not kids. Also, after 3 weeks of me basically raising Justace alone while Josh worked all the time and my constant texts and calls to him for help Josh is taking a 2 month leave of absence from work. He is going to finish his degree...he has 4 classes left and is taking 2 online and going to CLEP 2. By the time he returns to work again Justace will be out his newborn stage and will be easier to handle by myself.

Still unsure what we are going to do about our hospital bills. We've tried talking to the hospital and reasoning with them but they refuse to accept anything. They've told us if we give them any less than the $600 a month they are asking for they will send us to collections. We've tried to see if there is any way to get help but we don't qualify for any programs at all. There is a charity outreach program by local Mormons where you can basically put your name out there and if someone with a lot of money wants to they can pick you and pay your bill off for you but it's very iffy. Josh is going to go apply for it anyway tomorrow though. It can't hurt to just try.

Photos!

 Been up early enough each morning due to his 6am feedings I've seen the sunrise each morning in our front yard and it's a beautiful thing to wake up to.

 A bush of flowers in our front yard.

 More flowers.

 He has the most beautiful grayish blue eyes right now. I can't wait to see what color they will eventually be.

My little angel sleeps some more.