8 Weeks

Wow! I can't believe Justace is almost 2 months old already! He's doing well I think. He recently starting having a problem with gas though. For a long time I thought I was one of the lucky moms because he didn't hardly ever spit up but not anymore. Now he gets gas everyday and spits up everyday...usually all over my shirt or in my cleavage. I wear a blanket when I burp him but somehow right before he spits up he always ends up moving his head over my shirt that's not covered and right into my boobs. Let me tell you how awesome that is- not at all! But I feel bad because in the evening times usually he gets gas. I know it's gas because he's fussy and screaming like he's in pain but he'll have a clean diaper and he'll have just eaten. Usually after a while he'll let out a really good burp or he'll fart and then he calms down and is happy again. Poor little guy. Josh's parents bought me some special bottles that you put these little baggies in. They are supposed to keep air bubbles out. I need to start using those to hopefully help him. I should probably also keep him sitting up for 30 minutes after each feeding. I was doing that before. I would put him in his swing for 30 minutes but I felt like he was spending too much time sitting in his swing and not enough time playing on the floor and developing those muscles. We bought him a play gym and he loves it but the problem is he's usually only awake and playful for 15 or 20 minutes after his feedings and then he's tired and needs another nap so if I put him in his swing for 30 minutes each time he will never do anything besides sit in there when he's awake. I've also tried doing little exercise positions to help with gas...moving his legs like a bicycle. Shay gave me some gas drops for him so maybe I can start giving him that after each feeding as well. Or at least at night time anyway.

I've found I'm not stressed hardly at all anymore. I've gotten used to taking care of Justace round the clock and I don't mind it at all. Even his crying I've gotten used to. I don't panic when he cries anymore. I just take care of all his needs and if he's still crying I either hold him and walk around with him or I put him in his bassinet and rock him and read to him. Eventually...usually after 45 minutes or so...he will fall asleep even during his more loud screaming sessions. I get some much needed me time when he sleeps during the day. He takes several naps during the morning and afternoon time so I spend that time doing me stuff - either napping or cleaning the house or cooking or playing Lego Batman 2. And after a couple hours of that I am refreshed and ready for him when he wakes up again. Even at night when he's screaming for hours I am usually ok because I've learned it only lasts a few hours and by 8 or 10 he'll pass out and sleep until around 4 or 5 in the morning. He's changed so much since his first day home from the hospital. I'm trying to take pictures every day and I write in my journal everyday about how he's doing. But it still feels like he's growing up way too fast. I just want to keep him tiny and cute and my baby boy forever. I don't want him to grow up....especially now that there's a possibility I might not be able to have any more after him. If that happens we will most likely adopt at least one more little one later in life so he has a sibling. But that wouldn't be for a long time yet and I might still be able to have another of my own in the future.

I have my colposcopy appointment in 5 days. I am really really nervous. I hate doctors and I hate all the tests and needles and poking and prodding. I thought after I had Justace it would get easier because nothing could be worse than childbirth but it's not easier. I'm still scared of it all. And unlike pap smears which take all of 5 minutes and are just uncomfortable colposcopy's take like 45 minutes and are painful. I'm going to cry I'm sure. I wish I could take an anxiety medication or just get drunk before I go in. Blah. But hopefully it'll come back this time with more positive results and I won't need treatment.

I have started doing pushups and situps and squats and dips 3 times a week in addition to walking several times a day. I don't feel ready to try jogging again just yet. I tried yoga for my back pain but I find it so incredibly boring I gave up on it. Once the gym opens in September I plan on going back and jogging on the treadmill and using the weight machines. Haven't decided if I'll bring Justace and leave him in his car seat or have Josh watch him at home.

The boys...Tristan and Josh and Allen...and Josh's parents a bit...are fixing up the house. We've pretty much accepted that at least for now we are stuck living here since we don't have to pay rent and our finances are so awful. So they are completely rewiring the whole house so the power stops going out. We are redoing the walls in the living room and putting ceiling fans in all the rooms. They are replacing the toilet and tearing the carpet up in the bathroom to replace with tile. At some point we are going to tear up all the carpet in the house and replace it. We are going to paint all the walls and the cupboards in the kitchen. We are going to put doors up in the house again and they are putting in a new and hopefully better heating system. Tristan will probably move in upstairs. Depending on how long we end up having to live here we may possibly add a room or two onto the house. Also Josh's parents are talking about buying us a horse for Justace to ride when he gets a little older. I'm like seriously? We're buying him a pony? Talk about spoiled! But we've got the room for one and they said they can get one for fairly cheap and they know someone here who can provide us with hay for not very much money as well.

Peaceful/Why I love the country

1. Sitting on porch watching the sunset with a glass of wine with Josh.

2. Church

3. Justace sleeping

4. Fishing

5. Mountain views

6. Listening to the rain

7. Sun shining in through my bedroom window when I wake in the morning

8. Sitting under a tree reading a book

9. Horses and Pippin laying in the grass enjoying the sunshine

Photo Monday

 Josh bought me this drink canister for me to make sun steeped iced tea in. It's so delicious! One of my other favorite things about summertime.

 Grandma and Grandpa hold Justace.

 Another creepy crawler found in our tub.

He's so cute when he's sleeping.

Debt

It's hard having so much debt. The feeling of shame is almost crippling...especially from my parents who worked so hard to teach me not to get into any debt. I don't want them, or anyone else in my life, to know about how bad things are. But I also don't know how to get out of this situation. We are even considering bankruptcy as a possibility right now. The whole thing just seems so hopeless. We can't avoid the problem or deny it exists or spend all our time hating ourselves for the mistakes we've made. None of those will solve anything. More than anything in the world I want to be free of debt. Life would be so much easier and less stressful if we could get rid of all these payments we have to make each month. We need some kind of plan to get out of this.

1. We owe money on our car, credit cards Josh had used up in the military, credit we used for the wedding, hospital bills from Justace and the motorcycle. We also owe for my student loans as well.
2. I'm not really sure where we can cut our spending. Right now we cut as much as we can out already. We don't eat out hardly ever and when we do it's always somewhere cheap. We cook our own food. We have a food card we use. We only use gas for the car when we have to. We got rid of all but the basic channels on TV. We need our internet and electricity. That pretty much covers it. I'm not sure what we can cut.

Junk Food

It's just true. I love eating and I love eating sweet foods and baking sweet foods. Eating nothing but healthy food all the time really takes the joy of out of life. One of the biggest things I missed with my gestational diabetes was getting to enjoy eating and desserts. The taste of cookies and cakes and other baked goods is just one of the things in life I love the most. Screw dieting. I'd rather live a shorter life and enjoy it to the fullest than live 150 years and have to give up everything I love about life. So here's to eating for the joy of it and playing outside instead of torturing myself with painful workouts.

7 Weeks

Justace is 7 weeks old now. I've got a sort of kind of routine going with him at home that seems to be working pretty well. He's not on a clock schedule but I do everything in order. He eats a bottle. Then we have some playtime until he gets sleep which right now is usually only 15 minutes to an hour after his bottle and then he takes a nap while I either get some much needed sleep or eat a meal or do chores or workout. Then when he wakes from his nap, which I never let go over 3 hours during the daytime, we start this routine all over again. It makes it easy for me to tell why he's crying...whether he's hungry or sleepy or has gas or just needs some attention and cuddling. I'm not returning to work so I'm settling into becoming a stay at home mom, at least for now. Besides taking care of Justace...which is a full time job at the moment...I keep the house clean and organized and I've started learning how to cook. Josh still is in charge of cooking dinner but I get up in the morning before he does and once I've fed and taken care of Justace I cook breakfast for us. I also cook dessert for us twice a week as well.

Justace still hates tummy time so I've stopped trying to force it on him when it makes him so upset. His eyes focus on my face and he recognizes the sound of my voice. When I talk or read or sing to him he gets quiet and stares at me and listens. When I shake a rattle near his face he will move his head toward the sound to look at it and he stares at his mobile on his swing.

He still sleeps most of the day although his wakeful/play periods are starting to last a little bit longer than they used to. I wish he slept through the whole night but he still doesn't yet. However, the last 4 days I've tried this method of tanking him up on formula the last 6 hours before bedtime and he's been sleeping about 5 hours straight at night when I do that which is really nice. So he will usually sleep until around 4 in the morning. I also don't let him sleep for more than 3 hours at a time during the day so he will sleep longer at nighttime. It seems to be working pretty well.

He is a little piggy. I call him by little baby pooh bear because he loves to eat. His feedings have gone from just 2 oz when I brought him home from the hospital to between 4 and 7 oz each feeding now. He is gaining weight fast and has little rolls of fat all over which I think are adorable.

Even though it's been nearly 2 months I still feel a little bit of the after effects of birth. My bleeding has slowed down but still hasn't stopped yet. I had my 6 week check up and my pap smear results came back abnormal again. Apparently I have something called LGSIL which is cervical dysplasia. It's not a big deal and usually goes away by itself within 2 years but it was still very frustraing and upsetting to get this news. I have to go to a clinic 2 hours away from us in 2 weeks for another colposcopy test to see how severe it is in me. As long as it's not a severe case they will probably just watch it over the next couple of years which means a colposcopy test every 6 months. If it is severe or if it gets worse or doesn't go away I will have to go through treatment for it which is all very painful. I got this news yesterday and was depressed pretty much all day and angry that this had to happen to me...someone who is terrifed of doctors and tests and also isn't a huge fan of having my vagina on display for strange doctors all the time like this. But...after talking it out with my best friend Sara and praying about it I have come to realize it's a blessing in disguise. If this is something that could be an early sign of cervical cancer in the future than they have caught it early enough that I won't get sick or have to deal with having cancer. But...if it's severe...and they have to treat it...it may cause me to not be able to have any more children so Justace may be it for us now unless we adopt later on in life. If that's the case it's a huge blessing we had him before I had to undergo treatment for this and also a blessing that I won't get cancer because of how early they have caught it. My c-section scar still hurts a little sometimes..mostly when Justace kicks it.

My emotions have calmed down a lot since the first few days after birth when I was a roller coaster. But I still get times every now and then where tears come to my eyes for no real reason. I'm still learning how to take care of Justace and sometimes it can feel overwhelming. I'm still feeling sad and a little like a failure that I haven't gotten a job yet. But I do love being a mom. I'm sure all this is perfectly normal since becoming a mom for the first time is such a huge change in life.

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