Emotional Rollercoaster

27 weeks and 136 lbs. Doc gave me a glucose monitor to test my levels. Next appointment in 2 weeks. If my blood sugar stays relatively normalish hopefully I won't have to take pills. Have to start going to the doctor every 2 weeks now. Getting close. Only 3 months to go!

Pregnancy has been crazy and a learning experience so far. I am super thankful my morning sickness only lasted a couple months. The back aches and swollen feet are nothing compared to feeling sick all the time. The one thing that has sucked is the emotional roller coaster. I have always been super emotional anyways but now it's like I can't control it. The tiniest little thing will set me off and I will cry and cry like my heart is breaking over nothing. Most recently Josh and I were grocery shopping, right after I found I had gestational diabetes. I told him to make sure to get yogurt. He told me I couldn't have that because it has too much sugar. And...I burst into tears in the middle of the grocery store and couldn't stop crying. It was soooooooo embarrassing!!! And there are some days where I just feel really sad and depressed all day long. But that may just be cabin fever.

Characters in My Life

I think my most positive influence growing up would be Ms. Julie Abrahams, my 10th grade English teacher. I was at a really crazy time in my life, being only 16 and a crazy teenage girl all highly emotional and serious about everything. I had just moved from my old high school in Washington to this new one in Texas. I didn’t know anybody, which is really hard for a teenage girl. I remember she had us do an assignment early on in the school year where we wrote a paper on what we wanted to do with our life. I wrote that I loved to write and wanted to do that. She spent the whole year meeting with me and helping me and encouraging me in my writing. It was because of her I made the decision to become a journalist. I do not know why she took such an interest in me but if not for her my life might have taken a whole different turn.

My best friend of all time would have to be Sara. She’s not the friend I’ve had the longest but she’s definitely been the best friend I’ve ever had to this point. I miss her a lot. She’s very sarcastic which I think is hilarious. She’s completely honest even if it’s a little mean sometimes. She taught me how to stand up for myself and to be who I am. I was so afraid until I met her but she taught me to let myself get out there and not be so afraid to be myself or afraid of what others might think. She always encouraged me to be totally open with her even if I didn’t agree with her on something or I was being mean or selfish about something. She was always fun to hang out with of course. She introduced me to my one true love, Elvis Presley and his music as well as the Beatles and many movies and TV shows.

Then there’s my husband and my best friend for the past 10 years. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life...except perhaps our new baby growing inside of me right now. I remember even in high school, when we were no more than friends, thinking he was a babe. His deep brown eyes and his smile. His manly features and the muscles in his arms. He was always the guy I thought was the hottest. I think what has always made me happiest and still does is seeing him break into a smile. He does so not very often or at least he didn’t used to. It’s always a real treat to see it or hear his laughter. He’s my rock. When I feel myself starting to fall I always try my hardest to catch myself if he’s around. I don’t want him to see me weak or down even though he has so many times. He is so incredibly different than me I’m still not sure how our relationship works or ever has. We have completely different opinions on almost everything and likes and dislikes and beliefs. He is much more liberal than me in many ways but has also taught me to let go and have fun and do what I want to do instead of worrying so much what others want me to do. He is much more open and honest than I am. I try to be polite all the time while he always says exactly what he is thinking no matter if he should or not.

Then there’s me. It’s hard to step back and be honest with who I am. I am short and tiny...or was before I got this baby belly. I have chicken legs that I can not find jeans for because they are so short. My jeans often trail under my shoes because I don’t have them tailored or hemmed like I should. I’m laid back and like to wear comfortable clothes and do things in my comfort zone but at the same time I love to experience new things and have fun. I love horse back riding because I love the feel of the wind and the freedom as I’m galloping through a field. I have brown hair with red highlights that is frizzy and curly and never does what I want it to do. I have blue eyes and wear glasses because I am too afraid to stick my finger in eye for contacts. I have small features...small eyes, ears, lips and hands. But very long fingers and toes. I am much like a mouse in that I am afraid of everything and very timid. I run and hide at the first sign of any kind of confrontation. In tech school my instructors nick named me Turtle because when things got stressful I’d hide in my shell even if I had the right answer because I was afraid of being wrong. I’m falling in love more and more every single day with my son. I want more than anything to be a good mother and a good wife. I’m an incredibly nice and compassionate woman but sometimes I get too emotional. I burst into tears when things get hard, when I am embarrassed and even when I am angry. I’m a huge people pleaser. I want to make everyone around me happy all the time and when I displease someone, even a little, it nearly kills me.

Memories

My earliest memory is relaxing in the basement in Kansas during a tornado warning. I remember there being a giant teddy bear down there, much bigger than I was. I remember cuddling into it and falling asleep. I felt so safe and warm and happy. I don’t remember anything else...if anyone else was there...but I’m sure they must have been. Mom was probably freaking out. But all I remember is that giant teddy bear and how comfortable it was. I don’t remember what happened...I doubt I even knew.

I was probably 4 or 5 at the time. There were always tornado warnings in Kansas so I’m sure it was fairly common for us to be down there. I suppose I could ask Mom about it and see if she remembers anything more.

I have no idea why I remember this. Perhaps because of how safe and happy I felt? Or how comfortable that teddy bear felt? Maybe that was a time I wish I could go back to again? A time when, despite the storm raging outside, I felt no fear at all. I felt the opposite of how I was supposed to feel in that event. I want to go back to a time when nothing bothered me...when my young age and ignorance protected me from the constant fear and stress I feel now.

In my life story, I think this memory shows an important time. A time when I was growing from a baby girl to a young girl. It shows what life was like when we lived in Kansas. And more importantly, I feel as though it’s a good example of how we should live our lives in Christ. I feel as though, as children of God, we should behave as children do in some things. For one, that 100 percent trust in God, that you believe so much that He is taking care of you, even in the scariest of times, that you feel no fear and can instead go to sleep completely at peace.

My second earliest memory is I’m sitting on the couch, which is in the living room in front of the window to the front yard. I’m watching all the other kids walk with their parents to the school bus stop to wait for the bus. I feel so anxious to be there with them. So bored to be here at home. I want to go to school. But I’m still too young yet.

Again, I must have been 4 or 5 at this time and again this is in Kansas. I remember I so wanted to go to school when I was younger. And, when I first started going, I really loved it. It wasn’t until I was probably in middle school or high school that I started hating it. I loved learning. I loved reading. I felt it was so unfair then the other kids go to go to school and I had to stay home. Even though Mom assured me next year I would get to go. Next year seemed like an eternity then. This memory really shows who I was then, as a little girl. Just a little girl who loved knowledge and reading and wanted to get out and learn and have fun. Part of me feels like I’m still that girl. But part of me feels like I’m not...like I let fear stop me from doing things I would have loved to do before.

These two memories both occurred around the same time. They both occurred when I was a little girl in Kansas, just starting to not be that baby anymore. Starting to form who I was.

Photo Wednesday

Sunset in Monterrey. I really miss the beach.



Taken from a hill near my parents house in Dripping Springs.



My mother's Christmas village setup.

Photo Wednesday

This is my belly at 24 weeks. I weigh 132 lbs here. Only 4 months to go!



My favorite new thing is my new guitar Josh bought me! I can finally play again!



Here is a photo I took of a flower that grows by our house in the summertime. There are a lot of dragonflies and butterflies and bees that flock to our house too.