Photo Wednesday

This is me in a MiG-29 during tech school with my classmates around me. I briefed on this aircraft twice.





One of many streams in Idaho. I can't wait to go fishing this summer.



One of the trees outside after a fresh snowfall.

Possible

Coal turning into a diamond.
Double rainbows after a rain storm.
A baby growing inside of me.

If all these are possible then how much more that I haven't seen yet? Some days my hope and faith wanes and my heart hurts thinking things will never get any better. But I have to believe they will...even if it takes five more years.

I see beautiful, sunshiny days at the park with my son.
I see smiles and laughter and love as I play with Josh in the future.
I see the joy in James' eyes at the magic of Disney Land his first time there.

Photo Wednesday

Josh bought me a wedding ring for Christmas after I lost my last one over a year ago. I'm on my third wedding ring in 3 years so hopefully third time's a charm. This is my little ring bearer, a teddy bear Sara gave me for our wedding 3 years ago.


Here is my other little ring bearer. I couldn't decide which photo was cuter so I decided to post both on here. Unfortunately, I can't wear the rings because I'm pregnant and I don't want my fingers to swell while I'm wearing them. So I've been wearing them on a chain around my neck.


Apparently Bella loves peppermint. She kept knocking the candy canes off the tree so she could lick them.

Snow

It Sifts From Leaden Sieves
by Emily Dickinson

It sifts from leaden sieves
It powders all the wood
It fills with alabaster wool
The wrinkles in the road

It makes an even face
Of mountain, and of plain
Unbroken forehead from the east
Unto the East again

It reaches to the fence
It wraps it rail by rail
Till it is lost in fleeces
It deals celestial vail

To stump and stack and stem
A summer's empty room
Acres of Joints where harvests lie
Recordless, but for them

It ruffles wrists of posts
As ankles of a queen
Then stills its artisans-like ghosts
Denying they have been

Tribe

I've already grown tired of politics and we still have almost a year left of the madness. I feel as though why should I be grateful for the option to vote if all the options to vote for are bad? If I am forced to choose the lesser of several evils? What happened to the great leaders our country used to have? What would life be like if we didn't have government? Obviously this wouldn't work in our society but what if I lived in a small tribe instead of this great country?

I think of tribes in Africa and around the world. They are so different from us. A whole different culture and belief system and way of life. In some ways it seems living in this way would be awful, like living like a wild animal. And we are human. Why shouldn't we live in houses and have government? But then, sometimes, late at night, I wonder what if I were to give in to my animal nature? What if I were to let go of all the worries and pressure and stress of my life? What if life were so much simpler?

I think deep down, no matter how much we judge these people, we all wish we could be more like them in some ways. Let loose of our inner selves. Dance naked around a camp fire to the steady beat of drums and laughter.

Like Tiger Lily, to be exotic and mysterious. Sometimes I wish my life could be more like that and less based on what society expects of me.

Anything Like Me

I will be 21 weeks in a few days. The baby is now the size of a banana. I have no stretch marks yet but am faithfully putting on cocoa butter every day so maybe I'll get lucky.

I heard this song today by Brad Paisley called Anything Like Me and it made me think of Josh and our new little boy. Here are the lyrics:

I remember saying I don't care either way
Just as long as he or she is healthy, I'm OK (Not true...Josh wanted a boy really badly.)
And then the doctor pointed to the corner of the screen
And said, "You see that thing right there? Well, you know what that means." (This was a funny story. The doctor put the ultrasound up and he was in a position where the only thing we could see was his two legs and his little weewee in the middle. Doc didn't even have to say anything. It was very obvious we were having a boy...and that he was mooning us.)

I started wondering who he was going to be
And I thought heaven help us if he's anything like me

He'll probably climb a tree too tall and ride his bike too fast
End up every summer wearing something in a cast
He's gonna throw a ball and break some glass
In a window down the street

He's gonna get in trouble, oh, he's gonna get in fights
I'm gonna lose my temper and some sleep
It's safe to say that I'm gonna get my payback
If he's anything like me

I can see him right now, knees all skinned up
With a magnifying glass tryin to melt a Tonka truck
Won't he be a sight with his football helmet on
That'll be his first love till his first love comes along (Josh is insistent he will play some type of sport. And I already know if he's anything like Josh I am going to have a ton of fun raising him but also have my hands full.)

He'll get his heart broke by the time he's in his teens
And heaven help him if he's anything like me

He'll probably stay out too late and drive his car too fast
Get a speeding ticket, he'll pay for mowing grass
He's gonna get caught skippin class
And be grounded for a week

He's gonna love me
And hate me along the way
The years are gonna fly by
And I already dread the day

He's gonna hug his momma, he's gonna shake my hand
He's gonna act like he can't wait to leave

But as he drives out he'll cry his eyes out
If he's anything like me
There's worst folks to be like, oh, he'll be allright
If he's anything like me

2012 Movies

Movies I Must See This Year:

Dr. Suess' The Lorax March 2

The Pirates! Band of Misfits March 30

Dark Shadows May 11

Snow White and the Huntsman June 1

Madagascar 3 June 8

Ice Age: Continental Drift July 13

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter June 22

Brave June 22

The Amazing Spider-Man July 23

The Dark Knight Rises July 20

ParaNorman August 17

Frankenweenie October 5

Hotel Translyvania September 21

Skyfall November 9

Rise of the Guardians November 21

Les Miserables December 7

The Hobbit December 14

The Great Gatsby December 25

Year in Review

This past year has been insanely bad. It started out well with a trip to Las Vegas for me and my husband. We had lots of fun and I will never forget that. Seeing Vegas lit up for Christmas is a must see sight for everyone I think.

But I was struggling in tech school. Briefing was not getting any easier for me and yet my instructors continued to pass me through with high scores. This, even though I shook and my mind went blank every time I had to get up and brief. Once I hit Lonestar and the stakes were higher and the pressure was harder and there was just so much to do I couldn't keep up. And I failed. Again and again and again.

In the middle of all of this my husband had a terrible car accident that landed him in the ICU with a crushed femur. I asked to be allowed to go home to be with him. This was tough for both of us, but especially for him since he had to stay with my parents alone waiting for me to pass my final test. I stayed with him for a few weeks and was so grateful for that. But then it was back to tech school and Lonestar where I failed yet again. This time there was no retries. I was to be separated from the Air Force.

I ended up with an honorable discharge but in an economy as bad as the one we face now little hope of finding a good job any time soon. Josh and I moved to Idaho to try to save some money.

And two months later, though I didn't know it yet, a new little addition to the family began to grow in my belly. When I discovered I was pregnant all I felt was shock and disbelief. This couldn't have happened at a worse time. Once I realized this was going to happen since I don't believe in abortion and didn't think I could give up my child then I had to face telling others. I was so afraid of what my parents and friends would say. But I was so lucky to discover once I finally called and told people how supportive everyone would be.

Even my parents, who I expected to very upset and maybe even disown me, after some time, came to terms with it and became very encouraging and supportive. I've been so thankful for all this love and support since I've been fighting my own fears and doubts about this baby.

But baby James is going to be a blessing, one way or another. We will make this work somehow and I really hope to be a good mom to him. He's pretty much my whole world now and he's not even close to being born yet. He will join us the end of May of this new year.

Josh got a job at Wal-Mart which while it sucks is a major blessing just because it is a full time job with benefits and those are so hard to come through now and especially here in Idaho.

Our house, well our parents house, that we are living in, is a wreck. We moved in in order to save our money and pay off some of our debts and get our lives back on track. But the septic tank broke. We had to pay $500 for that. The heater has been broken off and on the whole winter. When it gets down to below 0 some nights that makes life almost unbearable with little to no heat inside. But this new year I've decided to make the best of it. As long as we are forced to live here I will make it my home as much as possible. I've already started with our dining room, taking down my mother-in-law's paintings and putting up paintings I received for Christmas last year from Josh and my parents. That room is now my favorite room of the house because it's OURS.

Here's to hoping this new year is so much better than the last.