St. Patrick's Day

For St. Patty's Day this year we couldn't do our usual tradition of going to an Irish pub and getting wasted. Three reasons. One, I am pregnant and can not have more than one drink a day. And two there are no Irish pubs anywhere near us. And three, I've been in a lot of pain from my uterus pushing into my ribs and didn't want to be out somewhere and miserable.

So instead we stayed in. But I think all in all it wasn't a bad day. Started it out with breakfast...lucky charms and Irish coffee.




Josh got up early and started a traditional Irish stew in the crock pot to cook all day. It turned out delicious!



I also made brownies and dessert bars for us and for our neighbors. The dessert bars were green and mint flavored of course and the brownies were just regular chocolate brownies but I dyed the frosting green and had rainbow colored sprinkles on them.

And we watched Boondock Saints...one of the best movies to watch on St. Patrick's Day I think. I had to go to bed somewhat early due to being in extreme pain but all in all I think it was a good day.

Cars

So it's getting close to that time. We are still broke and I am still jobless and I am still not sure how we are going to manage it but very very soon we must begin looking for a car. Robert is leaving this summer and taking his minivan with him. We may be leaving for Texas or staying here but either way we must have at least one car, and realistically need two cars if we both have jobs. I've been thinking about all the cars I've had in my life and dream cars and possible car options for the near future. So here are some photos of cars.

First I drove a silver Ford Focus in college and a bit after graduation. It wasn't bad but when it began to break down it was just one thing after another after another. Paid so much money getting it fixed and when the brakes failed me I finally gave up.



So I went to a dealer and traded it in for the cheapest most basic car they had but new. And I got my Kia Rio. I loved that little car. It wasn't sporty or cool at all. But it never broke down on me and it served me well. Until...



Josh got into a really bad car accident. He ended up in the ICU and my Rio ended up in the junkyard.



Since then times have gotten really hard for us. We haven't been able to buy another car as of yet and luckily my brother has allowed us to drive his minivan around. But soon he will leave.



So when he does the only vehicle we will own to drive is currently in Houston being driven by Josh's dad. If we end up moving there we may just buy one car for us and Josh will have to drive the motorcycle while I drive the car to work if we can both find jobs.



The car I've always wanted and will probably never get is a Volkswagen Beetle.



The car Josh really wants to buy is a Ram 4x4, which if we stay here is a possibility since it has back seats for baby and also driving that would be easiest in this area.



The type of car we will most likely end up with:

Spring/Winter

First day of Spring is here and this is the view of our front yard. Yesterday we had a mini blizzard. Snow and wind and freezing cold temperatures. I fell on the ice outside the gym and slid driving to the laundry mat. I am so freakin' tired of winter! We had to turn the coal stoker back on because my hopes and dreams of warmth have not come true and I finally had to accept that winter will never leave! Winter is not coming. Winter is here and apparently never leaving. It's like Narnia before all the good stuff happened. Always winter and never Christmas.

Spring

Just when I saw signs and hopes of a coming Spring at last I look out the window this morning to see big fluffy snowflakes coming down in our front yard. The kind you wish and want for the holiday season and seem so beautiful and magical then. But now, when my cabin fever has come to the highest point, just makes me want to cry.

I can not wait for Springtime here. It seems that it has come already to my friends and family in other places. They speak of picnics in the park and going outside and sunshine and warmth. While here it is snowing and the ground is still covered in ice and snow. You can not walk outside without a coat and gloves still.

I want blue skies and sunshine. I want flowers and green grass. I want butterflies and dragonflies and bumblebees. I want birds singing in the trees. I want to smell the smell of wet grass after an April shower and feel the grass between my bare feet. I think, pregnant or not, I will get a pedicure this Spring. I want bare feet and flip flops. I want to spend so much time outdoors. I want to go to Yellowstone and see the baby buffalo. I hope our neighbors with the chickens and horses have baby chicks and baby horses to see. I want to see our son. And maybe our new puppy. I want to play with all the kittens that abound here in the Spring time. I wish this was our house because I would love to start a small garden with some beautiful flowers and maybe some veggies. I want to eat the cherries off the tree in our front yard. I want a cute umbrella and rainboots. I want go go fishing. I don't even mind the spiders and their webs. Oh Spring how I miss you. And Winter it is time for you to go until next year.

Green

In honor of St. Patrick's Day and the coming of Spring I thought I'd devote a journal entry to all things green in my daily life. I had some trouble finding any since my all time favorite color is purple and Josh's is blue but here are some I did find.

The very ugly wallpaper in our living room which I so want to tear off and replace.



My coffee/tea mug that gave me so much warmth during this past cold winter.



My lucky undies which nobody wants to see me in...especially now.



My Gir hoodie from Invader Zim that does not currently fit me.



Green shorts. I added the lucky charm bit on my computer of course.



Green maternity shirt.



An adorable little Irish baby I found online.



And a precious moments picture I fell in love with.

A Dozen Things I Never Want to Do Again

1. Basic Training

2. Public Speaking

3. Fill a coal stoker.

4. Get married. (Let's make this a one time thing.)

5. Visit my husband in the hospital.

6. Drink so much I get sick.

7. Give up all sugar and most carbs and coffee.

8. Ballroom dancing.

9. Math.

10. Drive in Dallas or Houston or any really big city.

11. Work as a saleswoman.

12. Be broke and unemployed.

Only 10 weeks to go!

I am so close. And yet I still feel like I am so far away. I am still very nervous about the actual birth day but the longer I wait and the more pregnant I get the more ready I feel. I have to be honest. I have not dealt with pregnancy that well. Especially more recently I have dealt with more and more days of depression. Days where I do not want to do anything including work out or eat right or clean the house or look for work. I've felt hopeless and worthless just doing nothing all day long. I need to get back out into the work force again or have some kind of purpose for my life. I do not know if it is not having a job or being pregnant or a combination of the two making me feel like this. I have so many nights and days where I can't help crying. I feel like an enormous whale and so clumsy. I feel so achy so much of the day. Hot baths help a whole lot but they are temporary. I am so ready for this little one to be out of me and yet at the same time I am so afraid I will not be a good mom or I will hate being a mom. Holding Shay's little baby girl made me feel for the first time good about having a baby. It felt right. And I felt, while I was holding her, that whether I am a good mom or not I will love my child more than life itself. But that feeling passes and I become more and more afraid of what the future holds. I can't stop worrying about finding work and about if I'll be able to take care of an infant or not and how we will ever get back on our feet again. Sometimes I just feel so depressed and hopeless and afraid and angry. I need goals. I need to start getting up in the mornings and going to the gym. I need to start eating a healthy breakfast again and keeping up that healthy eating all day every day. I need to take my vitamins and drink my water. I need to pray and keep my prayer journal and start going to church again. I must find a purpose in my life again. I have a feeling after James is born these feelings will change. I will be busy being a mom and taking care of this new life and all this other stuff will seem less important. I just have to somehow get through the next 10 weeks.

Kicks

I may be growing a tiny kangaroo or football kicker inside me. James' kicks are getting harder and harder every day and for some reason he loves to move around or kick me at night when I am trying to sleep. Between his kicks and my overactive bladder my sleep is way off. Sometimes I wonder if there's a reason for his kicks...like hey mom change positions I'm squished in here. One time Josh fist bumped my belly and he fist bumped Josh right back which was hilarious. Honestly, as cool as feeling him in there is, it's really really strange. It feels crazy to be able to clearly feel a tiny human inside my body moving around and stuff. I put Josh's hands on my belly the other night when he was particularly active and Josh freaked out feeling him roll around and stuff.