Only 10 weeks to go!

I am so close. And yet I still feel like I am so far away. I am still very nervous about the actual birth day but the longer I wait and the more pregnant I get the more ready I feel. I have to be honest. I have not dealt with pregnancy that well. Especially more recently I have dealt with more and more days of depression. Days where I do not want to do anything including work out or eat right or clean the house or look for work. I've felt hopeless and worthless just doing nothing all day long. I need to get back out into the work force again or have some kind of purpose for my life. I do not know if it is not having a job or being pregnant or a combination of the two making me feel like this. I have so many nights and days where I can't help crying. I feel like an enormous whale and so clumsy. I feel so achy so much of the day. Hot baths help a whole lot but they are temporary. I am so ready for this little one to be out of me and yet at the same time I am so afraid I will not be a good mom or I will hate being a mom. Holding Shay's little baby girl made me feel for the first time good about having a baby. It felt right. And I felt, while I was holding her, that whether I am a good mom or not I will love my child more than life itself. But that feeling passes and I become more and more afraid of what the future holds. I can't stop worrying about finding work and about if I'll be able to take care of an infant or not and how we will ever get back on our feet again. Sometimes I just feel so depressed and hopeless and afraid and angry. I need goals. I need to start getting up in the mornings and going to the gym. I need to start eating a healthy breakfast again and keeping up that healthy eating all day every day. I need to take my vitamins and drink my water. I need to pray and keep my prayer journal and start going to church again. I must find a purpose in my life again. I have a feeling after James is born these feelings will change. I will be busy being a mom and taking care of this new life and all this other stuff will seem less important. I just have to somehow get through the next 10 weeks.