4 Weeks

Justace is 4 weeks old today. Not much has changed in the past week except right now he has a cold and it's killing me listening to him breathe funny. He's sneezing and has so much mucous in his nose and his lungs. I want more than anything to take him to a doctor to make sure he's going to be OK and maybe get some medicine or something to help make him feel better but with no insurance we can't afford to take him in for every little cold he gets...only for the big more serious stuff. I called and the doctor said as long as he doesn't have a fever and isn't have trouble breathing and is still eating ok he should be fine in a week. And since he's so young still he isn't old enough for baby medicine of any kind yet. So all I can do is keep feeding him and try to help him sleep as much as possible. Christine suggested I take hot showers with him so the steam can clear out his nose. I did that yesterday and he seemed to calm down a little for a short period of time. Josh looked it up and apparently babies will get between 6 and 10 colds a year because their immune systems aren't fully developed yet so they catch pretty much everything that goes around. Plus it's really dry right now here in Idaho and the dryness can also cause colds in babies too. I just feel so terrible for him right now and wish more than anything I could do something to make him feel better. I hate feeling so helpless.

I have started to figure out a very loose schedule for him. It's not exact but I feed and change him every 2 or 3 hours during the day and at night he usually only wakes me twice...once around 2 or 3am and once around 5 or 6am. Knowing kind of when he is going to be hungry again helps because I can start heating his bottle up and also try to schedule chores and things around those times as well. I still watch a lot of Mad Men while I feed him or hang out with Josh on the couch. Before I was keeping him in our bedroom all day and night to sleep but now that he's started staying awake more I move him into the living room area during the day so he can watch what's going on while he's awake.

He started smiling too! He doesn't laugh yet and his smiles don't usually last long but it's so good to see them and not just hear him crying. If I can manage to capture one in a photo I will but so far by the time I get the camera ready he's not smiling any longer. He also is getting much better at holding his head up by himself. It's still a little bit shaky but he can usually lift it up to look around for about 30 seconds or so before he has to put it back down again. I try to give him some tummy time every day to help make him stronger but he really hates being on his tummy so I usually only leave him like that for a few minutes before I pick him up again.

Because he's still so young and hasn't had his shots yet we haven't taken him out of the house and have limited visitors as much as possible. He has another month before he gets his first round of shots. We did take him to the hospital once and to our friend Christine's house so she could watch him. I'm still kind of nervous taking him out anyway because if he starts to cry and I can't get him to calm down it's kind of embarrassing. I'm one of "those" parents now. Before when we were out and someone had a screaming child I used to always think oh man that sucks. I'm so glad that's not me. And now it is... He does have another hospital visit today for another test and on the 4th of july I plan on taking him to see the parade in the morning but we'll spend the rest of the day at the house since Josh says we can see the fireworks great from our back yard.

In another month though, once he's had his first round of shots, I plan on starting to take him out more so he can see things. Mom bought me a baby carrier which I've started to learn how to use around the house and I plan on probably taking that with me when I take him out and about. We have a really nice stroller a friend got us and I use it for our walks each day but right now he's still so young he really likes being held close to mommy so the baby carrier will probably be best at first. I'm glad everyone got us to many useful and nice gifts. We would have never been able to afford all the clothes he has and such a good stroller and baby carrier and bassinet. It's just a lot of things he has that we couldn't have gotten for him without the help of our family and friends. I'm so glad he's loved and cherished by so many people even if not all of them are here to see him every day.

While I have lost the majority of my pregnancy weight I still have a bit of a tummy pooch going on that I can't seem to get rid of. I think right now I've lost all the weight I can lose without doing an actual exercise routine again. But I should be able to start one up in a couple of weeks and hopefully I can lose this tummy and get back in good shape again. I went through all of my clothes this week and got rid of everything that no longer fits me except for some items that are just a tiny bit too tight since I'm hoping to lose a little bit of weight soon.

Josh has been such a big help with the baby. And even friends here...Christine and Ally... have all helped so much so I don't get too stressed out and lose it. I've gotten used to the weird sleep schedules and am starting to get on a semi routine. Baby's bedtime is at 10pm each night and I go to sleep not long after that. He wakes me twice at night but we don't stay up. I just feed him his bottle and we both go right back to sleep again until 6 or 7 in the morning when I get up for the day. I try to take a 3 hour nap between 1 and 4 in the afternoon if I can but that doesn't always happen. The eating 3 meals a day is hard for a few reasons. First, I don't seem to have much of an appetite any more. I'm not sure if that's because I'm no longer pregnant and eating for 2 or exhaustion or what. Also, depending on if he's fussy or not sometimes I just don't have the time to make and eat a full meal. Josh always makes sure I eat a good dinner with him at night and he takes over baby holding duty so I can eat. And I usually eat either breakfast or lunch during the day but sometimes don't get both. I figure it might take some more time to get back on a really regular daily schedule again. Plus he's still a newborn so hopefully in a couple months he won't be quite as needy constantly.

Another thing is everyone seems to be an expert on babies except for me...his own mother. My family and friends and even acquaintances all have so much advice to give on me on every single thing about raising a baby. One the one hand, I am very grateful for all the advice. I constantly feel like I have no idea what I'm doing and am just shocked that I haven't managed to kill him yet. But, on the other hand, some advice I get, I just can't seem to do. Like...letting him cry it out when he's crying and has been fed and changed. I know everyone says to let him be but it kills me. I'd rather hold him close and soothe him to sleep all day then ignore him when he's crying. I guess I'll take the advice I can and if it doesn't work for him or for me I'll go with my instincts...hopefully being his mother has some advantages to knowing what he needs or wants.

I've begun looking for work again but so far this week all I've been able to find is a bank teller position in St. Anthony...about 10 minutes from Ashton. I doubt I will get hired since I have no experience and am not great at math but they did say they are willing to train so maybe I will get lucky. Josh has officially begun classes this week. Hopefully in a couple months he will finally have his degree! Not sure how useful that will be to him but at least he'll have finished it finally. Better than not having one at all. We are getting slightly less money with his GI bill than he was making working but it evens out since we are also paying about $200 less in gas money since he doesn't have to drive back and forth from Rexburg every day.

I really wanted to go for walks daily but I have temporarily given up on our walks. My allergies are terrible right now and going outside even for a minute causes sneezing fits and itchy eyes that last for days and make me miserable. Plus Justace is sick and I don't want to take him outside until he gets better again either.

I haven't had much time for me or projects I'd like to work on like my baby scrapbook or playing the guitar. Most of my days are filled with taking care of Justace or finding time to eat or sleep or spend some time with Josh. But I'm sure I'll have more time for me in a couple months when things settle down. I have been trying to take as many photos as I possibly can. And when I have the time I try to cook new things for breakfast for Josh and I. I made a german pancake the other day which was delicious...it's basically a baked pancake and you put sugar and strawberries and whipped cream in the middle.

Pooh Swing

Grandma bought Justace this Winnie the Pooh swing. So far he's screamed every time I put him in it but yesterday I put him in it while he was sleeping and he stayed asleep while it rocked him for a whole hour. He even woke up when Daddy came home from the store and looked around a little without crying so hopefully he's getting used to it. I'd love to be able to sit him in there while I do chores or make breakfast or whatever. The swing rocks and plays music for him.

3 Weeks Old

Justace was 3 weeks old as of yesterday. The best thing about having a baby...I'm his whole world. I doubt I've ever been needed or loved this much by anyone before. I hate when he's crying and I can't figure out why but when he cries and all he wants is for me to hold him close that is the most amazing feeling in the world. He's only 3 weeks but already he knows who I am. The worst thing about having a baby... when he cries for a long period of time and won't stop and nothing I do calms him down. It makes me feel like a failure as a mom when I can't soothe my own baby and don't know what's wrong. Or when I grow frustrated with his crying and have to put him down for a while and walk away because I can feel the stress building inside. He's brought me to tears several times this way. He's started sleeping a little bit less and spending a little bit more time awake just looking at things. He likes his walks outside for about 15 minutes but then he usually starts getting fussy that last 15 minutes. I've tried putting him on his tummy for tummy time but he hates it. He starts crying. But I think it's mostly out of frustration. He can lift his head a little bit but when I put him on his tummy he tries so hard to roll over and he just can't make it and he gets so frustrated his little face gets all red and he starts bawling. His umbilical cord fell off this past week and his belly button is looking well. I have officially given up on breastfeeding. I tried for 3 weeks but still have no milk coming in and constantly pumping all day long with no results is frustrating...especially when I could be using that time to nap or do chores or do a million other things that are more useful.

Honestly, I haven't been that good about my daily walks this past week. I think I went 3 or 4 times total. The problem mainly is that I'm so tired some days when he's been up crying all day and all night that I would rather spend any time I have napping than going out for a walk. In addition I don't feel comfortable taking him outside on days that aren't nice and we've had some pretty cold and windy days this week that I just decided to stay inside with him. But I do pace the living room with him a lot and read to him when he won't fall asleep and is being fussy. Three weeks till I can actually begin a workout routine and try to get back in shape again.

Josh is amazing as always. He took me out yesterday to Idaho Falls. We got Christine to babysit for the day and we went to see 2 movies...Snow White and The Avengers. I liked both movies but my favorite of the 2 was The Avengers. I'm a huge superhero movie fan, especially Iron Man. Snow White was good...definitely very dark and very much for adults, not kids. Also, after 3 weeks of me basically raising Justace alone while Josh worked all the time and my constant texts and calls to him for help Josh is taking a 2 month leave of absence from work. He is going to finish his degree...he has 4 classes left and is taking 2 online and going to CLEP 2. By the time he returns to work again Justace will be out his newborn stage and will be easier to handle by myself.

Still unsure what we are going to do about our hospital bills. We've tried talking to the hospital and reasoning with them but they refuse to accept anything. They've told us if we give them any less than the $600 a month they are asking for they will send us to collections. We've tried to see if there is any way to get help but we don't qualify for any programs at all. There is a charity outreach program by local Mormons where you can basically put your name out there and if someone with a lot of money wants to they can pick you and pay your bill off for you but it's very iffy. Josh is going to go apply for it anyway tomorrow though. It can't hurt to just try.

Photos!

 Been up early enough each morning due to his 6am feedings I've seen the sunrise each morning in our front yard and it's a beautiful thing to wake up to.

 A bush of flowers in our front yard.

 More flowers.

 He has the most beautiful grayish blue eyes right now. I can't wait to see what color they will eventually be.

My little angel sleeps some more.

2 Weeks Old

Justace is 2 weeks old today. Right now I just finished feeding him and put him down to sleep until Josh gets home. We have to go back to the hospital because they called and said his newborn screening test got messed up somehow and we have to redo it.

How am I doing? I'm exhausted! I try to sleep when Justace sleeps as much as possible but only sleeping for 2 hour increments at a time round the clock really takes a lot out of you. My days pretty much consist of feeding Justace, changing Justace, rocking Justace to sleep then either sleeping myself or eating something before he wakes up to do it all over again.

Our friend, Christine, has been a lifesaver. The first day I had Justace to myself all day because Josh had gone back to work I hadn't slept in 12 hours and could not get him to calm down and stop crying. I called Josh in tears telling him I just couldn't do this anymore and the baby wouldn't stop crying no matter what I did and I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Christine, who lives an hour away, came over right away to take over baby duty and give me a chance to sleep. I handed him over and as soon as I did he quieted down and stayed quiet for her while I slept for the next 4 hours. I felt so much better after getting some sleep. Her mom and her husband's mom, who both live here in Ashton, both told me to call them anytime I needed help and they'll be happy to come over and watch him for a few hours while I sleep if I need it. I have never been so grateful. I also try to shower every morning, even if he's crying. Of course I feed and change him but if he's still crying I put him down and go take a hot shower. It really relaxes me and then I can come back to him and hold him until he calms down again.

Thankfully, right now, Justace spends most of his time sleeping, even if he does wake every couple hours for food. He's growing quickly. He was born at 6lbs8oz and was 6lbs4oz when we left the hospital, which is normal. Two days later he had already gained back all his weight and was back up to 6lbs8oz again. I'm not sure how much he weighs now but he's eating a ton so I'm sure he's growing fast.

As far as looking for work, I still have a few more months of unemployment so I'm not planning on even really looking for another month or so. I want to wait until things have calmed down a bit and I've started to get the hang of taking care of a newborn. Plus, I'm told, once he hits around 3 months or so, he should hopefully start to sleep through the night...or at least for 5 or 6 hours straight anyways so I should be slightly less exhausted.

I'm not allowed to work out at all for at least another month but I started taking Justace out in his stroller to go for walks with me in the afternoon on nice days and I often walk with him around the house while trying to soothe him back to sleep. Not sure how much I weigh now but I am able to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans...at least the ones I wore when I was bloated on my period. So that's a start. I can fit into my regular jeans but I can't zip or button them up just yet so need to lose a bit more for that. But I'm eating healthy and trying to avoid sweets and bad foods as much as possible. Though I do let myself have the occasional bit of ice cream still sometimes. But I've given up coffee temporarily. I want to be able to go to sleep whenever I can during the day so I don't want caffeine keeping me up during those precious hours when I could be napping.

Honestly, my relationship with Josh is unsure at the moment. On the one hand, I love him more than ever now. He's the father of my child and he's been so incredibly wonderful to me through the labor and the surgery and since then with helping around the house and with Justace whenever he isn't at work. But between him having to work constantly and me being constantly with Justace or exhausted there hasn't been any time for the two of us to be together. I try to stay awake to watch TV with him for a couple hours at night but I just can't seem to keep my eyes open through a show. Hopefully we get some couple time in a couple months. I miss my husband!

As far as getting out of debt goes I think we are screwed. The hospital wants $18,000 from us and they are saying they want min payments of $600 a month. There's just no way that's going to happen and I'm not sure how we will ever pay off this debt.

Baby Photos

 Justace hates hats but he loos so frickin' cute in them I can't help but put them on anyways.

 Josh took this photo the other night. The only way Justace will sleep, and therefore the only way I can ever sleep, is if I let him fall asleep with me.

 Justace on his very first walk. Almost killed me...didn't realize how much surgery takes out of you but he seemed to love it...not a peep out of him the whole 30 minutes.

 He keeps pulling his blankets up over his head. We think he's trying to kill himself.

 Justace watches his first Astros game while Daddy feeds him.

 Pip seemed curious about the screaming tiny creature we brought home but now pretty much ignores the baby.

 Bella still sleeps in the crib. Haven't kicked her out yet since we haven't yet transitioned him to the crib just yet.

Justace sleeping in his little rabbit bassinet great-grandma and great-grandpa bought him with a little puppy a friend gave us for him.

Justace Drake Jackson

 First family photo. I look awful. This was taken the night after I gave birth and I hadn't gotten to shower and couldn't stand up and was sick as a dog but seeing my baby for the first time was the most amazing feeling I've ever had even if I was mostly out of it.

 Justace gets his first bath before leaving the hospital. He HATES baths with a passion. He cries and gets really mad.

 Justace sleeping like a baby in the bassinet/cradle great-grandma and great-grandpa bought for him. He sleeps in here all the time unless he wakes up to be fed or changed.

 Very first photo of Justace after he was born. Everyone got to see him before mommy did.

 Before we took him home from the hospital and after he got unhooked from all the machines we found him all bundled up burrito style in this little swing. So cute.

 Mommy gets to hold baby for the first time after a harrowing ordeal for both of them. Again, even being sick and out of it, most amazing feeling in the world. I couldn't stop crying but they were tears of happiness for sure.

 My hospital room after I delivered. I loved that bed. Getting up was really hard and painful at first so it helped having something to hold on to.

 Justace all bundled up in the NICU.

 Me sitting with Justace in the NICU being silly while Uncle Robert takes photos of us.

 Me and Justace a few days later waiting for them to ok his release from the hospital.

Great-grandma gets to hold Justace on his first day home from the hospital.