Friday, June 22, 2012

3 Weeks Old

Justace was 3 weeks old as of yesterday. The best thing about having a baby...I'm his whole world. I doubt I've ever been needed or loved this much by anyone before. I hate when he's crying and I can't figure out why but when he cries and all he wants is for me to hold him close that is the most amazing feeling in the world. He's only 3 weeks but already he knows who I am. The worst thing about having a baby... when he cries for a long period of time and won't stop and nothing I do calms him down. It makes me feel like a failure as a mom when I can't soothe my own baby and don't know what's wrong. Or when I grow frustrated with his crying and have to put him down for a while and walk away because I can feel the stress building inside. He's brought me to tears several times this way. He's started sleeping a little bit less and spending a little bit more time awake just looking at things. He likes his walks outside for about 15 minutes but then he usually starts getting fussy that last 15 minutes. I've tried putting him on his tummy for tummy time but he hates it. He starts crying. But I think it's mostly out of frustration. He can lift his head a little bit but when I put him on his tummy he tries so hard to roll over and he just can't make it and he gets so frustrated his little face gets all red and he starts bawling. His umbilical cord fell off this past week and his belly button is looking well. I have officially given up on breastfeeding. I tried for 3 weeks but still have no milk coming in and constantly pumping all day long with no results is frustrating...especially when I could be using that time to nap or do chores or do a million other things that are more useful.

Honestly, I haven't been that good about my daily walks this past week. I think I went 3 or 4 times total. The problem mainly is that I'm so tired some days when he's been up crying all day and all night that I would rather spend any time I have napping than going out for a walk. In addition I don't feel comfortable taking him outside on days that aren't nice and we've had some pretty cold and windy days this week that I just decided to stay inside with him. But I do pace the living room with him a lot and read to him when he won't fall asleep and is being fussy. Three weeks till I can actually begin a workout routine and try to get back in shape again.

Josh is amazing as always. He took me out yesterday to Idaho Falls. We got Christine to babysit for the day and we went to see 2 movies...Snow White and The Avengers. I liked both movies but my favorite of the 2 was The Avengers. I'm a huge superhero movie fan, especially Iron Man. Snow White was good...definitely very dark and very much for adults, not kids. Also, after 3 weeks of me basically raising Justace alone while Josh worked all the time and my constant texts and calls to him for help Josh is taking a 2 month leave of absence from work. He is going to finish his degree...he has 4 classes left and is taking 2 online and going to CLEP 2. By the time he returns to work again Justace will be out his newborn stage and will be easier to handle by myself.

Still unsure what we are going to do about our hospital bills. We've tried talking to the hospital and reasoning with them but they refuse to accept anything. They've told us if we give them any less than the $600 a month they are asking for they will send us to collections. We've tried to see if there is any way to get help but we don't qualify for any programs at all. There is a charity outreach program by local Mormons where you can basically put your name out there and if someone with a lot of money wants to they can pick you and pay your bill off for you but it's very iffy. Josh is going to go apply for it anyway tomorrow though. It can't hurt to just try.

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