17 Weeks

Justace has really started to become more outgoing. We took him to Salt Lake City for a couple days to meet all Josh's relatives. It was mainly to see Kymie...Justace's grandma...but of course while we were there everyone else wanted to see him too. He did really well. Loved meeting new people. Loved all the attention. He's always reaching for people and for things...like necklaces if you are wearing one, hair if its long or beards or glasses. He likes to reach out and touch my face when I'm holding him.

So because I've been the one home with him all the time and taking care of him while Josh works I've really gotten to know him and his personality a lot better. While Josh really hasn't. If I leave them alone Josh freaks out a little bit and doesn't know what to do. And honestly, I know I need to leave the 2 of them alone together so they are forced to get to know each other but I find it really really hard. I hear him crying and I just know if I go hold him or change his diaper he will be ok and it is really hard to ignore it and let Josh figure it out but I know I really need to work on this more. I need to let Josh be with him more without me stepping in so quickly. Like today he was crying and wouldn't stop so they gave him to me and he quieted down right away. But that's not a good thing I don't think. Part of me feels totally flattered in a selfish way that he wants his mommy but he needs to not depend on me so much for comfort all the time. Crib training has been hell! He hates his crib and he cries for hours at a time. It's torture listening to him scream. I took Nicole's advice though and when I can't take it any longer I sit down and put in headphones and watch Dr. Who so I can't hear him. I really hope he gets used to his crib soon.

He rolls over like a pro now. At least from his tummy to his back anyways. Hasn't yet rolled from his back to his tummy though he has tried. So now I'm working on sitting up. I try to sit him up by himself as much as possible. He's getting better at it.

Being a mom is such an emotional roller coaster. One minute I'm staring at him just amazed that we brought him into this world and at the insane amount of love I have for him. The next minute I'm in tears because he won't stop screaming and I don't know why. And the next I'm leaving him alone in his crib and leaving in a huff full of anger because he won't stop screaming. Then the next I'm feeling so guilty for getting angry with him when he's just a baby and doesn't know any better and wants his mommy to love and comfort him.

I do most of the baby care but I'll be honest I don't know if I could without Josh here. There are so many times when I just feel overwhelmed and stressed out or too emotional from the crying to handle a screaming baby any longer or too tired and sore from holding him for an hour. And that's when Josh always steps in and takes over like a pro. Gives me a break. Lets me calm down. Sometimes all I need is just a few moments to breathe and calm down. Other times I may need a nice long nap. But either way he's really been my savior through this new motherhood adventure.

As a rule I never ever ever sang or danced at all before I had Justace. Now I spend so much of my day doing both of these things. When he's upset if we can't go outside for some reason and walk I carry him and I turn on music and sing and dance with him. He loves it and since nobody is there to judge me I secretly kind of love it too. Strangely, he's not a huge fan of the classical music the "experts" say you should play. He likes all music but he responds more to rock music than anything else I play. Rock and pop. If he's crying a lot of times one of these types will get him to calm down and just listen. I think its funny my 4 month old son loves rock music.

Photo Monday

Week 16

We weighed Justace here at home a little bit ago and he's a whopping 16 lbs!!! He's so big! He definitely does not have a failure to thrive like I did when I was born. Not at all. He's thriving well. Ten days until his next doc appointment and set of shots. Not looking forward to that since last set he got sick from. I really hope he doesn't get sick this time. I felt so bad for him. I tried to give him cereal but he won't take it. He just spits it out. But I think after this next appointment I will talk to Dr. Gillette and maybe try again. If he can take it maybe we will start giving him mushed up bananas or pears. Josh bought a baby bullet when I was still pregnant and we will finally get to use it. And the Winnie the Pooh high chair. I'm very excited.

We tried crib training him and it worked the first couple of nights but then he started teething (I think) and now he's sick again so I gave up on it for now. I will try it again in a couple of weeks. We have to do it soon because he is beginning to get too big for his little bassinet now.

I need some ideas for things to do with him during the day. Right now I spend a lot of time walking him in his stroller and reading books to him. He spends 30 minutes a day on tummy time but I don't leave him on the floor more than that because he still really hates it and cries the whole time if he doesn't just fall asleep. Any ideas or advice on things we can do together during playtime? He also spends a lot of time watching TV because he likes it and I just don't know what else to do with him all day.When he gets older I don't want him to spend all the time watching TV but do you think it's OK for right now while he's a baby? He's still discovering the world and I feel like TV can help him do that somewhat. I try to watch either Baby TV or Disney Junior or PBS so he's watching educational TV even though I realize he doesn't understand any of it yet.

Photo Monday

 Here Justace lies on the couch with his new buddy Bright Eyes.

 Do you ever see something small that really sticks out to you? This lone yellow flower in the midst of brown grass really spoke to me. A little ray of beauty and sunshine in a drab world. What I hope to be.

 Death during tummy time. Murder weapon: nyquil.

Another small thing that spoke to me. I love caterpillars because I know they are meant to become beautiful butterflies one day. Something I also hope happens to me.

Fitness

So yesterday was not good. I've been trying to walk a minimum of 3 miles a day. I found a trail near our house. But I guess maybe yesterday was too hot or something. I'm not sure what happened. I ate a good breakfast and I drank a lot of Gatorade on the walk but for some reason I got feint and almost blacked out after about a mile and a half up the trail. I had to call Josh to come pick me up in the car because I was scared I would pass out. So as badly as I want to lose weight and walk farther I realized yesterday I need to slow down and work my way slowly up to walking farther and longer. So for right now my goal is just to walk 30 minutes a day and work my way up to more slowly. I weigh 119 lbs right now. I want to lose about 10 lbs and no more than 20 lbs. I also want to walk to prevent or at least slow down on developing diabetes. I'm more prone to getting it in the future so I really need to make sure I exercise and eat right to slow that down because I really don't want it. The trail behind our house goes all the way through the Teton Mountains for about 30 miles. Of course I doubt I will ever be able to walk 30 miles but I'm hoping one day eventually to be able to walk about 13 miles up the trail. The safer option is to just walk the neighborhood around the block so I'm close to home but I really love nature and trails. I just wish Josh or a friend would come walking with me. I'd feel safer if I wasn't walking it alone. So yesterday I walked a total of 2.9 miles but that wasn't all the trail. I got a pedometer on my cell phone to keep track.

15 Weeks

So I feel I am pretty much an expert at feeding and changing and bathing Justace...things I had no clue about just 15 weeks ago when he was born. The one thing I never learned after all this time is how to differentiate his cries. The books and whatnot all say he has different sounding cries for different problems but it all just sounds like crying to me. I wish so much I could. Or that he could just tell me what is wrong. I hate when he's crying and nothing I do seems to help and I can't figure out what is wrong. I just want him to speak and tell me what is going on.

This week isn't going so well for me. I'm exhausted and frustrated and stressed out. I think he might be teething but I'm not sure. But he won't nap during the day and he won't sleep at night. Which means I'm not getting hardly any sleep at all. I can't find time to sleep or to eat or clean the house or do anything because I'm constantly holding him and trying to get him to calm down. I'm pretty close to my breaking point right now. Plus Josh really really sick right now and he can't get any sleep that he so desperately needs because Justace has us both awake crying all night long. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. If I don't get some sleep soon I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of taking care of a baby all day and night constantly. I want sleep. I want some adult and alone time. I feel like a total loser because I'm not helping bring in any money to the house right now. But at the same time I don't even really want to go back to work. I want to be a Mom.

I'm so tired of feeling guilt over not working and guilt over wanting some alone time away from my son. I'm starting to doubt my abilities as a mother. I'm not sure I can do this. I have all these fears about being a bad mom and I'm afraid he's going to hate me when he grows up. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone but I just don't know what I'm doing. Of everything I've ever done this has to be the hardest job of all. Also the one that's brought me the most joy too though.

An older lady who lives across the street from us gave my phone number to a girl, another young mom, who lives here in Ashton. She called me a couple days ago and told me her and a bunch of other moms here in town meet every Tuesday at the library for story time and games and just to socialize really. I think it would do me a lot of good to get to know other moms here in town. Maybe make some girl friends. I love Josh but I need to get out and meet other people here. I couldn't go this Tuesday because Josh was sick and we needed to see a doctor but I think I will go this coming Tuesday and check it out. Hopefully I can make some friends here in town.

Photo Monday

 Justace chews on his bath towel after bedtime.

 Good morning Idaho.

 He is sooooo grumpy!

 Tummy Time!

 Went fishing for the first time with Josh and Tristan. We caught 2 trout and cooked them for breakfast with eggs the next morning. It was super fun!

 Justace smiles.

Our new kitten. She just showed up at our door and I let her in.

14 Weeks

I can't believe Justace is getting close to 4 months already! He talks to me sometimes in the mornings or when I'm reading to him. He can do little push ups on tummy time and just learned how to roll over finally.

13 Weeks

Still no camera cable. Sorry guys. Will try and get one either tomorrow or Thursday I hope. But we finally have our internet back on.

Justace is 13 weeks old now. He rolled over onto his back from his tummy for the first time today! I was so excited and happy I took him off tummy time completely for the afternoon and took him for a nice long walk in his stroller. He's been holding his head up during tummy time for 5 or 6 minutes at a time to look around. When he's not cranky I love making him laugh. It's makes me laugh. He's starting using his mouth to get to know everything from his lovey bear to his bath towels to his blanket. He puts everything in his mouth now and sucks on it. He usually sleeps through the night although lately he's started sometimes waking up again at 2am and not going back to sleep until 4am which drives me crazy a little. I don't see any teeth coming in and he seems too young for that now but I wonder if he might be starting to teeth? He drools an awful lot now and sucks on things a whole lot too. I may need to start using his teething ring and maybe even give him some teething medicine Shay gave me. But first I'll ask the doctor if he thinks he even is teething yet. Next doc appointment is in about 3 weeks or so.

I was so happy when he started sleeping through the night but now that he's back to waking up again I get so upset. I'm not a night person and I don't function well if I lose sleep. So I end up really really tired and frustrated. Last night I was too angry and frustrated to deal with him so I put him in his car seat and circled the block about 3 times and then left him in the car seat to sleep the rest of the morning...in the house of course. I'm not a very good mommy at 2 in the morning I'll admit. I stopped taking naps during the day because I used his nap time to get things done around the house but I may go back to taking afternoon naps again until he starts sleeping through the night again. I also might start going to bed at 8 every night and asking Josh to wake the baby at 10 for his last night feeding since he always stays up late anyway.