15 Weeks

So I feel I am pretty much an expert at feeding and changing and bathing Justace...things I had no clue about just 15 weeks ago when he was born. The one thing I never learned after all this time is how to differentiate his cries. The books and whatnot all say he has different sounding cries for different problems but it all just sounds like crying to me. I wish so much I could. Or that he could just tell me what is wrong. I hate when he's crying and nothing I do seems to help and I can't figure out what is wrong. I just want him to speak and tell me what is going on.

This week isn't going so well for me. I'm exhausted and frustrated and stressed out. I think he might be teething but I'm not sure. But he won't nap during the day and he won't sleep at night. Which means I'm not getting hardly any sleep at all. I can't find time to sleep or to eat or clean the house or do anything because I'm constantly holding him and trying to get him to calm down. I'm pretty close to my breaking point right now. Plus Josh really really sick right now and he can't get any sleep that he so desperately needs because Justace has us both awake crying all night long. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. If I don't get some sleep soon I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of taking care of a baby all day and night constantly. I want sleep. I want some adult and alone time. I feel like a total loser because I'm not helping bring in any money to the house right now. But at the same time I don't even really want to go back to work. I want to be a Mom.

I'm so tired of feeling guilt over not working and guilt over wanting some alone time away from my son. I'm starting to doubt my abilities as a mother. I'm not sure I can do this. I have all these fears about being a bad mom and I'm afraid he's going to hate me when he grows up. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone but I just don't know what I'm doing. Of everything I've ever done this has to be the hardest job of all. Also the one that's brought me the most joy too though.

An older lady who lives across the street from us gave my phone number to a girl, another young mom, who lives here in Ashton. She called me a couple days ago and told me her and a bunch of other moms here in town meet every Tuesday at the library for story time and games and just to socialize really. I think it would do me a lot of good to get to know other moms here in town. Maybe make some girl friends. I love Josh but I need to get out and meet other people here. I couldn't go this Tuesday because Josh was sick and we needed to see a doctor but I think I will go this coming Tuesday and check it out. Hopefully I can make some friends here in town.